Why you keep settling for an "okay" life
(00:00) Podcast intro
(02:21) Why you’re settling for an “okay” life
(05:13) Venus’s core fear and the closed end of its Spectrum of Fate
(12:08) What Venus brings into your life when it’s refated
Imagine there’s a gap between what you want your life to be and what your life actually is. And no matter how much self-development work you do, or how much manifestation you do, or how much you “align” with the planets, that gap just sticks around or maybe even gets bigger. If that hits home, keep reading.
Why do we often bring into our lives things that are almost what we want, but not quite the whole package? Why are we constantly settling for a life that's just okay, just fine, average, or mediocre when there's something so much greater that we know we're designed for? What’s the underlying pattern here and which planet is at play?
Spoiler alert: If you’re consistently bringing in things that are close but not quite…your Venus is asking to be refated. Always remember, from the Refated perspective, closed-fate patterns like this aren’t created because you’re “bad” or a “failure” or because a planet is “bad”, but as protective strategies. A threat was detected and you, and this planet part of you, were doing the best you could in the moment.
Venus’s core fear
In my opinion, Venus’s core fear is being rejected, being ostracized, being cast out from the group. Venus will do absolutely anything to keep this from happening. Those things can be very subtle or very obvious, but regardless, Venus is always trying to keep you from the pain of rejection.
But I think there might be something even deeper here, something even more painful for Venus, and that’s a lost connection, a broken connection. Venus’s worst-case scenario is finally being accepted, being connected, and then that connection being ruptured. And I don’t just mean romantic connections, I mean all types of connections from coworkers to best friends and neighbors.
Venus’s Protective Strategies
Now, let’s take this core fear a little deeper, keeping touch with as much self-compassion as possible in the process. How does Venus preserve connections at all costs? Broken record moment: the Venus part of you doesn’t perpetuate closed-fate coping strategies because it’s “bad”, but because it loves you and thinks that it’s helping you, even if its strategies are a little misguided.
Isolation
What strategies might Venus use to keep you from experiencing broken connections? The first one that comes to mind is isolation. If you’re isolated and have no connections, no connections can be broken. Easy. Safe. Done.
Enmeshment
You can substitute lots of other words for this pattern, maybe codependency, maybe control, even manipulation—whatever resonates with you the most works here. When Venus is enmeshed and entangled, it makes it really hard to leave the relationship.
Relational Perfectionism
This looks like trying to be perfect, so that the other person, or group, will continue to accept you. You can just imagine the complex behaviors that spin out from this, but the core is the same: you think that in order to be loved you have to be different than you are. This is exhausting and can lead to unique flavors of Venusian fatigue.
People Pleasing
A sister to relational perfectionism is the classic people-pleasing pattern. Again, this is a super complex concept, but what I’m referencing here specifically is the tendency to put someone else’s, or a group’s, needs and preferences so far above your own that there’s essentially self-abandonment and self-rejection happening. You can become so out of touch with your own needs, desires, likes, and opinions, that you begin to believe you don’t have any at all!
Defensive Disconnection
Another way that Venus might try to keep you from experiencing the pain of a broken connection is by breaking it first. This is like when you heard your middle school boyfriend was going to break up with you after school, so you did it before he had the chance in gym class. I’m not sure what else to call this except preemptive or defensive disconnection.
As an adult, this might be as obvious as rejecting a potential partner first, but it’s usually more sneaky. This is like intuiting that your partner or friend is mad at you so you act irritable toward them first and make it about you. Or, disconnecting from pleasure, not fully feeling the sweetness of life just in case it disappears. See what Venus did there? Venus is complicated.
Self-Neglect
Another strategy Venus might use to preserve connections at all costs is to self-neglect. This usually looks like over giving in a certain relationship or other context. For example, maybe Venus rules your career and you chronically over give there thinking that that will keep you safe.
The bottom line is, when Venus values its connections with others over its connection with self, self-neglect eventually occurs, meaning there’s no time, space, or energy to nurture the self. It might show up physically, like not taking care of your body. It might show up financially, like covering someone else’s expenses first. It might show up somewhere else. Everyone’s Venus is going to have a slightly different approach.
Low Self-Worth
When I say self-worth, I mean the deep knowing that you are valuable and worthy, not because of external approval or achievements, but simply because you exist. Although all the planets can have a hand in low self-worth, Venus plays a central role. In a Venus context, this might show up as deep core beliefs like, “I’m unlovable”, or, “I’m unwanted.” When we operate from these beliefs, we subconsciously push away what we really want.
What Venus become when it’s refated
When Venus feels safe and secure, in other words, when Venus is refated, what does it become? How does it move through the world, and what might it bring into your life? These are often the opposite of the protective strategies and outcomes and we just explored.
Beneficial Connection
The first is beneficial connection—the opposite of isolation. When Venus feels safe, it creates a network of support, not just a partner or a single best friend, but its version of a village of support. The fear of broken connection doesn’t keep Venus locked up like Rapunzel in a tower. Rather, this Venus is a part of a vibrant and varied community that’s supportive and fulfilling.
Interdependence
When I think of a refated Venus, I also think of a Venus that’s interdependent. This is the opposite of being enmeshed, or losing oneself in relationship. When Venus is interdependent, it maintains a healthy, distinct sense of self, even within the context of deep and complex partnerships. This version of Venus has deep roots in personal power and agency and chooses to connect out of love and delight rather than desperation and survival.
Relational Authenticity
When the Venus part of us feels safe, instead of bending over backwards trying to be perfect in order to earn love and attention, a refated Venus practices relational authenticity. This looks like putting down performance or façade and trusting that your true self, not a perfect self, just your real self, deserves loves and connection. This will reclaim a ton of wasted energy.
Self-Assertion
I mentioned earlier that people pleasing is one of Venus’s protective strategies. How might this transform once Venus feels truly safe and supported? I imagine this showing up as healthy self-assertion, or the acknowledgement, valuing, and meeting of your own needs, even when they may rub up against the needs of another. This doesn’t mean you disregard the needs and preferences of others, but that you regard the needs and preferences of yourself just as much, if not more.
Savoring & Divine Connection
Once Venus feels secure, it can also drop the many behaviors of defensive disconnection and instead pick up a few alternate behaviors. If Venus has disconnected from pleasure, it might pick up the practice of savoring, or the devotion to simply noticing the pleasures of life, fully feeling them.
If Venus has a pattern of defensively cutting someone off when they fear rejection, maybe Venus picks up a practice of staying tender, or open-heartedness. Or, one of my favorites, instead of defensive disconnection, we could cultivate Divine Connection, or the connection to Source being what you depend on and root back in when human connection feels unstable.
Self-Regard
We also mentioned that Venus might protect itself by neglecting itself. The inverse of this is what I call self-regard. Instead of giving all of its time, energy, and resources away to others, Venus regards itself and its needs beforehand. It fills its own cup first so that it can love others from a regulated, grounded place.
High Self-Worth
And finally, when Venus is refated, it operates from a place of high self-worth. Again, self-worth is the deep knowing that you are valuable and worthy, not because of external approval or achievements, but simply because you exist. A Venus with high self-worth will operate from core beliefs like, “I am worthy”, “I am valuable”, “I am lovable”, just to name a few.
